Darkness Before The Dawn
Life's struggles can sometimes feel like a deep hole.. one that is impossible to get out of. There is no ladder, no rope and no one within a hundred miles to help get you out. Times like these you feel so completely alone and hopeless that thoughts of death are actually comforting. How do I know this? I've been there. We all have been there in some varying way. My divorce brought me to my knees, suffering in ways I didn't know I could survive.
I felt like someone had unplugged me from my life. All that I knew was no more, and it took all of my energy to move forward and continue functioning. I had two young boys to take care of and a responsibility to provide for them financially and emotionally. Luckily I loved my job as a nurse and my bills were paid. But it didn't take away the fact that I felt like I had to find the strength and courage to restart a life that I had no clue how to restart.
I have read about countless people who too fall down this deep crevice of hopelessness and found one very common theme with us all. It took us to slump so low that we finally let go and just surrendered to the pain. By doing so, the hope appeared. It was very small at first. Really it was more of a breath, but one that let me know that I was still alive and that I would be okay.
One of the first books I read soon after my separation was "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. It was my bible! I found someone who understood my pain and could help me see that there was hope for me, even if I felt none. One of the parts of the book that was so profound was when she got on her bathroom floor in the middle of the night, praying to God- who she had not prayed to before- and asked what she should do. The answer was "Go back to bed Liz." Now this may seem unhelpful, but for me it meant it will all be okay. Just keep moving.
I too have gotten to me knees. And fortunately I found God and have come to realize that I too will be okay. Like a fresh breeze on a beautiful spring day... I knew that my dawn was coming because I knew now that something bigger then me was watching over me. This awareness was so foreign to me I can't even tell you. I never grew up believing in God, but here I was... believing. And not only believing, it took this to get me out of my fog and see the sun, the trees, the flowers, the smiles on my kids faces... really anything good started to become apparent to me. So, for that I'm so thankful.
Sometimes, and really quite frequently, it takes something traumatic to bring us to this place of awareness that we are not alone. My spirituality has been key to my happiness. It has offered me hope, provides me courage and helps me love myself and others unconditionally. I don't judge others for their beliefs. We all have individual paths to take in life. But what I instill in everyone is to follow your heart, and if your heart tells you to believe in God, spirit, or the Universe, let it. Nothing is more reassuring then to know your life is guided and even through the darkness, a flashlight will help you along your way.
Godbless... and may your heart open more everyday.