Dating's Not for Dummy's
The thing about dating is we just can't seem to wrap our heads around the complexities of it. We sit at a table or bar, chatting about our lives, presenting our best selves and then laugh and smile where it seems fit. Then we take turns asking questions all the while taking out our mental note pad and quickly jotting down, "yes", "no", um "hell no!" to their every word. I know for me, as hard as I try, I can't seem to get this mindful dating down. The kind where you are just present, no agenda, completely without expectations and engaged in the conversation.
I'm not saying that I don't think I'm doing this. In my forward, up front mind, I'm giving myself an A or A- for being a good conversationalist. I really like to get to know new people and to have a set of beautiful blue eyes to stare into only adds to my focused attention.
What I'm talking about is something that lurks even deeper and often in the hidden parts of our brain that is packaged in a box of steel with 40 locks wrapped around Houdini style. This subconscious part of our mind is expertly projecting all of our insecurities onto the innocent hottie that sits gazing cluelessly to our vampire tendencies. We try to sift through the words that match our damaged selves and get mad when they didn't say the magic formula that would fix us.
For example, I recently went on a date with one of those said hotties and even though the evening went well, I found myself the next day questioning what was said. Or better yet... what was not said. I kept expecting a, "Wow, you are very beautiful," or "I can't believe nobody snatched up your hot self!" Instead I got a lot of playful bantering and a token, "your cute," after I pried and started the complement game.
What became clear to me though was that I was projecting my insecurities onto him and demanded that he fix it. I also came to realize that by doing so, I was sabotaging the date with my subconscious need for approval from someone else. It is not his job to make me feel beautiful. The position is already filled by me and me only.
What I learned was how often we ruin a good thing simply because we expect the other person to be our savior. That is a lot of pressure and one that NEVER works. That is why it's so important to realize that dating is more about you then them. And once we take credit for our fears and insecurities and then spend our time together not as each others saviors, then the real magic can begin to ignite.
I'm not saying a complement is a bad thing. But when your needing to get approval from another, when it should be from yourself, then failure will be standing over your shoulder gleefully flicking you off the cliff.
Your love and approval should come from you. So get a mirror and tell yourself again and again how hot, beautiful, sexy, and gorgeous you are. This way your fulfillment is a sure thing.